Dear You

Welcome to my head. What I write here is a product of instances, consequences, coincidences, and heartache. Here before you is my soul- my inner trappings. Yours truly, Her.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Something Infinitely Interesting

[I'd never post this if I wrote it. There are things better left unwritten here hahaha.]



             I am in love with you. I am up at 11:26pm contemplating on what possible meaning these feelings could have. These feelings that float back up like hot water in cold water doing the convention current thing it does. I miss you. Terribly. I am in dire need to see you. In psychology, a need is defined as an existing want. I want you. I want you so bad. I want you like how a dying person wants water in a desolate desert. Like how an LA girl living in Maine wants the sun. Like how everyone wants what they can’t have.

I can’t have you. I guess you’ve made it clear. I can’t shed any tears. I don’t have the right to. I deserve this. I’m just being a weak, inexperienced, desperate, masochistic romantic with no hope. Stories like mine are worth making into some soap opera or a song.

I will wait though. I will keep on waiting. By some twist of faith, I’ll wait for that momentous day when we could Be again. May it be the next life? So it’s come to this- to the point of reincarnation. So this is what they talk about- how love breaks all boundaries- if we think hard enough or rather, imagine hard enough.

How deceiving love is. It’s one big expectation to something so predictable. It makes one a slave of their own expectation of the world. In the end, we’re the cause of our own undoing. We had succumbed to the temptation of what Love has to offer. The comfort, the attention, and the darn sweet things are all bait! So bittersweet. What are we but pawns?

            Skepticism will do nothing but just prolong my pain. I can’t help it at all. I’ve grown up seeing not a single act of love from my parents to each other. My grandpa, God bless his soul, passed away when I was just a kid so I’ve never even seen the love between them manifest itself. Maybe I was just too young to remember. Either way, I can’t use my family as a reason for my failed love life. That would deter my capability of changing the course of my life.

            I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want love or I hate it or anything. Like I said, I’m a weak, inexperienced, desperate, masochistic romantic with no hope. I want it. I want it so bad but I don’t want to end up a fool.

            Cross my heart, I want things to go back to third year. To that party. To that space in between two cars outside where I doomed myself. Where I lost you. Where I became the fool without even lifting a finger.

            I love you. I can’t believe I’m writing this down but I love you. I never thought of saying those three words ever in my life. I never thought to have the reason to say it but now there’s you. I love you. I’ve loved you since we parted.

            You never know the worth of something until it’s gone.

            Come back to me please.



NICA! Finally, I watched Twilight! Can you believe, I was supposed to watch the premiere with Loupo, Mart, Paula, and Arie but in order to do that, I had to not attend training. Ask Paula and Arie how looong I had to contemplate and decide. My face was so troubled and everything haha. Coz really, I can't just skip training. It's my responosibility to attend training because I joined Street and I made a commitment to them. Plus, I had a super heavy feeling in my chest when I as-of-now decided then to watch Twilight. I knew it was guilt and I knew that the right thing to do was to go to training. This was a Wednesday mind you and Street had a gig that Friday in Miriam College for their Musicality concert. There was no thursday training because we were told to watch the Skechers team perform as a spot performance in Innersoul's Carnivale concert. I was a cast for the MC gig and I already performed the routine before. However, I was also thinking that they might take me out if I don't attend and they'll have to reblock. It's a hassle and it's unfair. So thus, I trained that day. :) My chest felt normal again haha.

Anyway, now that I have watched it, I want to watch it again just so I can rewind to the romantic parts and get all kilig. hahaha. The movie was a bit fast-paced and there were DEFINITELY some funny parts. I LOVE JASPER FOREVER. HIS FACE XD Jacob's hot only in the book. :| I can't wait to see him in the second movie where his hair would be shorter. He looks taong grasa kasi, sorry haha. Edward has his awkward moments too- like when he stares at Bella and when he saved her in port angeles. XD His eyes are like bulging out XD But hey, he's awesomely awesome in the steamy scenes :D I love Charlie! He's such a cute dad haha. Alice is adorable! She should've had more lines :( Rosalie was portrayed really good :) GAAHH, I'm downloading the soundtrack right now haha. I love this movie- not as disappointing as Eragon.

Nics, I wish I could've watched with you :( It would've been the time of my life. When you get back, let's redo all the things that we should be doing together ok?? :) 

Monday, November 24, 2008

Skechers Street Dance Battle Year 4 CHAMPIONS

I am extremely proud of the compet team!! They've worked SOO hard- 7-9am and 6-9pm onwards trainings everyday! And MILLIONS OF PRAYERS. Wow, all of us, as a team, prayed so hard and we were desperate for God. Kahit di manalo, basta yung gusto lang namin ay makita ang Diyos sa pagsasayaw nila. Makita na nandoon siya kasama nila dahil yun naman lang ang gusto namin. Na magsilbing instrumento ng Diyos upang maipakita sa lahat ang kanyang kapangyarihan at ang kanyang dangal. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit kami nanalo. Hindi kami iyon. It was all His doing. Sabi nga ni coach, kilala niya kami kaya di pwede na sabihin na sila daw yung gumawa nun. It could only be done by God Himself. After 3 years, pinangarap ng Street ang Championships. Parang added bonus lang yung trophy at cash. Pero nakamtan namin yung aming kagustuhan na ma-inspire ang Araneta. Narinig namin iyon nung halos buong Araneta ang nagsigawan ng "LA Salle!" habang sasabihin na yung panalo. Grabe, naramdaman ko ang banal na espiritu!

It was such an awesome experience! Such an inspiration!! I am truly looking forward to the next Skechers where we will be defending champions. However, UP street will be competing then so us newbies will really have to step it up. Coach said that there will be A LOT of stumbling blocks ahead for us and that in those times, we would need the Bible by our side. I should start working on my quiet time. Start pursuing God more. He's the source of all these blessings. :) EXCELLENCE, STREET!

BTW, as we were all sharing our experiences in the big dome last night in our victory party today, something struck me. As Kuya RJ, I think it was him, blessed the future Executive Board [since most of the EB would be graduating this year :(] coach shouted my name. "Ikat! Ikaw na yun!" PRESSURE. Just because I had the spiritual gift of leadership! hahaha. But I'm flattered :) I really am. Moreover, I'm very anxious. It's such a big responsibility! I'd never been good at leading. I'm speaking from experience. :| But if God wants me there, it's for a reason. He wouldn't put me there without equipping me with what I need. Never know, I might be just blind to them right now.

CONGRATULATIONS TO CADS AND T.I.P.! Also to Miriam, Holy Spirit, and CSR!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

My 3rd term sched

I encoded my own sched! :D

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
10:30-11:30 COMSK2X PETWODA (10:20-12:20) COMSK2X COMSK2X (9:20-11:10) COMSK2X
11:40-12:40 BMAT2X BMAT2X BMAT2X

2:30-3:30 FILIP13 BMAT2X (1:00-2:00) FILIP13

The List

19 things for my 19th year HAHA

1. Macbook Pro 15'' [asa ikat. asa. XD]
2. A NEW PHONE [please lord. please lang. my dream phone. hahaha]
3. Nikon DSLR [umasa ka pa. haha]
4. black or red pumps
6. starbucks planner 09 [i haven't started collecting stickers haha]
7. nike dunks [nice low ones...colorful but not too colorful. no prints. just analogous colors or monochromatic ones. XD]
8. ankle boots!
9. a surprise. kahit ano basta i'll be GENUINELY surprised. XD
10. a hug
11. something homemade or handmade. that would be really sweet and thoughtful haha
12. a big party with all my friends [but i think di to mangyayari XD busy busy busy. oh wells. haha]
13. grey or black skinny jeans
14. make- up HAHA [blush brush, blush, bronzer, black eyeliner XD , hi mom!]
15. to never turn 20. remain a teenager all my life. [FAIL hahaha]
16. change. globally, nationally, personally
17. DL next term!!!
18. to finally get a hint from you.
19. nica, come home. i don't care if it's just a piece of you haha.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Jess interprets my dream

Okay, so there's this super ironic thing that happened and I can't believe I didn't mention it here. I'm in the same dance company as his friend's- Jess. She's Jazz and I'm Street. Apparently, she knew all about me and my history with him. [Everyone who's batchmates with him would know all about me. He's a heartthrob in San Beda which is no surprise there and I didn't know it was at a THAT extreme level] And apparently, she told Joe about me being in the same team before too while I was also oblivious to the fact that she was also the same girl from San Beda in NCC last year who went up to me to say "Joe says goodluck" out of the blue, MONTHS after he and I drifted apart. O_O I did not recognize her AT ALL although she recognized me. She looks so different now compared to before! Maaan, it's a strange SMALL world. We were properly introduced just a couple of weeks ago and we're on very friendly terms suprisingly. Usually, as it happens in movies and stuff, the friend of the guy who got his heart broken by his [whatever you call a girl like me is to him...a fling? an ex? whatever] totally hates [whatever you call a girl like me is to him... etc.] But no, we're friends and it's totally cool. :) She gave me her blessing on my attempt to BBTF [bring back the flame],well, HIS flame. My flame's been burning since then. It has never stopped. CHEESY but true. XD hahahaha! My gahd, what is that boy doing to me XD She's also the one who told me that before, he used to doodle my name at the back of is notebook and that Dark Blue reminded him of me. Shit, that boy is too cute. hahaha

So anyway, refer to my entry before this for my dream. Her interpretation of my dream is that the stage is like his judgement floor. He's choosing between me and Alex. [He used to like her last summer...and she's my kabarkada. haha. but then again they were friends longer.] According to HER, he'll be choosing me and this time, he'll never let go. 

I can't help but smile at that haha no matter how WILD it seems. XD

As Dashboard sings, "Hope...dangles on a slow spinning redemption winding winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye..."

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Me and My Dreams

Weird Dream. AGAIN. On the other hand, I'm glad you were in it :)

Setting: stage [It looked like the TYA...well, I think it WAS the TYA XD]
We were practicing dances...I was probably thinking so much about Remix, the Inter-Lasallian Dance Competition in DLSU tom presented by LSDC, that this dream happened haha. I was onstage with Alex, the last person I had a YM conversation with last night. She had a male partner and so did the rest of the people onstage except for me. I didn't know what we were gonna dance until the music played; Swing. I had no idea whatsoever of the choreo  but as it happens in all dreams, my feet moved by itself as if it had a life of their own.  
In the audience were my friends. I forgot who they were but I know he was there. After the dance, I went down to the seats and hung around. 

Here's the thing: roughly before my dream ended, he was about to leave. The usual greeting was a beso but in the dream it was a hug...several hugs. The last of them being a long one and the one before the last was a I'm-never-letting-you-go kind of hug. I dared to initiate the latter and thinking that the dream was real, hoped to God he didn't find it weird or awkward. And he didn't, because he was the one who prolonged the embrace. And I happily stayed there. Not long after that, when he left, I recieved a text from him saying something along the lines of "Let's do this again" or "Next time". Sadly, my dream ended there. 

What does it meaaaaannn. Ugh. I can't take philosophical dreams right now. I'm so stressed with the Remix thing. :| Which I'll be dancing in btw. XD and the dance is not Swing. It's CAPOEIRA. :)) gaaahh, hahaha. I'll be wearing nothing but a sports bra and jazz pants in front of an audience. O_O

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Monday, November 3, 2008


Something Pat showed me how to do :) comment please :D I should really take workshops. For future use haha.

Yours Truly

Yours Truly