A Rag Doll.

It's been a long while. I'm sure people have forgotten about you already...like a rag doll that's been ignored by it's owner and left in that attic to gather dust. Probably like me. I am a rag doll. The day before I turn 19. 

I lay unmoved... for a while? Maybe. I'll probably stay like this in the remaining seconds of my 18th year. No surprise there? Wow. Same thing I did in my last moments as a 17 year-old. 

Once you have something long enough- played with it, sewed it back up, changed it's appearance, and talked to it- nothing about it holds the magic that you once saw when it was new. Pity that.

Hormones

Strange how hormones can influence the beat of the heart. One moment I'm still clinging on to every fiber of Joe, the next, to him.

OF ALL PEOPLE WHY HIM. The past 3 days was all HIM. Today, is now Joe. Or maybe I'm forcing myself that's it's Joe.

I see him as a friend. Not anything more. I have my period today. It's all hormones. This happens frequently. It's a hormonal imbalance. What I feel for him is just pure deficiency in my hormonal distribution. HORMONES HORMONES HORMONES. Snap out of it, Ikat.


I need a new guy :(



NO. I Don't need a new guy. I am a independent woman.




A psycho independent woman who can't seem to keep her brain cells in order. O_O

Brief and Concise

Been training everyday lately for performance requests. Particularly the one for Unilever on Monday. 

We're starting to get ready for our dance concert, Danz Dish IV, on Jan. 23. Looking for sponsors. Trying to persuade them. 

So many projects due. Damn that kuta software. Insocio magazine. I got a 4.0 in my comski lab grade. Very surprising and I thank God. Salamat, Lord. 

I haven't been feeling christmas. :( But as of today, our christmas lights are up and the tree is completely decorated,

Several of my fellow newbies in street got a unit in taft already. We had a housewarming last night. Super fun. I sleptover. Lucky for me, they're up for me sleeping there whenever I need to. Like when I have an early class the next day after training ends at 9pm. Lucky Lucky. :)

There's also this guy. HAHA. Why him? Why HIM. He's not Joe. Then again, Joe's like...practically gone. Whenever I think of him, this other guy totally overshadows him. Like for a moment I actually FORGET Joe's face. :T freaky crap right there. I mean, the other guy is like...not, well, I don't know. He's just not Joe. Then again, I probably should quit pursuing something I can't possibly have XD Ayaw ni God muna. 

Nica, I want to hear your voice. CHAT BUKAS. 12 NOON. GO ONLINE. 

Something Infinitely Interesting

[I'd never post this if I wrote it. There are things better left unwritten here hahaha.]

 

 

             I am in love with you. I am up at 11:26pm contemplating on what possible meaning these feelings could have. These feelings that float back up like hot water in cold water doing the convention current thing it does. I miss you. Terribly. I am in dire need to see you. In psychology, a need is defined as an existing want. I want you. I want you so bad. I want you like how a dying person wants water in a desolate desert. Like how an LA girl living in Maine wants the sun. Like how everyone wants what they can’t have.

I can’t have you. I guess you’ve made it clear. I can’t shed any tears. I don’t have the right to. I deserve this. I’m just being a weak, inexperienced, desperate, masochistic romantic with no hope. Stories like mine are worth making into some soap opera or a song.

I will wait though. I will keep on waiting. By some twist of faith, I’ll wait for that momentous day when we could Be again. May it be the next life? So it’s come to this- to the point of reincarnation. So this is what they talk about- how love breaks all boundaries- if we think hard enough or rather, imagine hard enough.

How deceiving love is. It’s one big expectation to something so predictable. It makes one a slave of their own expectation of the world. In the end, we’re the cause of our own undoing. We had succumbed to the temptation of what Love has to offer. The comfort, the attention, and the darn sweet things are all bait! So bittersweet. What are we but pawns?

            Skepticism will do nothing but just prolong my pain. I can’t help it at all. I’ve grown up seeing not a single act of love from my parents to each other. My grandpa, God bless his soul, passed away when I was just a kid so I’ve never even seen the love between them manifest itself. Maybe I was just too young to remember. Either way, I can’t use my family as a reason for my failed love life. That would deter my capability of changing the course of my life.

            I’m not going to pretend that I don’t want love or I hate it or anything. Like I said, I’m a weak, inexperienced, desperate, masochistic romantic with no hope. I want it. I want it so bad but I don’t want to end up a fool.

            Cross my heart, I want things to go back to third year. To that party. To that space in between two cars outside where I doomed myself. Where I lost you. Where I became the fool without even lifting a finger.

            I love you. I can’t believe I’m writing this down but I love you. I never thought of saying those three words ever in my life. I never thought to have the reason to say it but now there’s you. I love you. I’ve loved you since we parted.

            You never know the worth of something until it’s gone.

            Come back to me please.

            

Twilight

NICA! Finally, I watched Twilight! Can you believe, I was supposed to watch the premiere with Loupo, Mart, Paula, and Arie but in order to do that, I had to not attend training. Ask Paula and Arie how looong I had to contemplate and decide. My face was so troubled and everything haha. Coz really, I can't just skip training. It's my responosibility to attend training because I joined Street and I made a commitment to them. Plus, I had a super heavy feeling in my chest when I as-of-now decided then to watch Twilight. I knew it was guilt and I knew that the right thing to do was to go to training. This was a Wednesday mind you and Street had a gig that Friday in Miriam College for their Musicality concert. There was no thursday training because we were told to watch the Skechers team perform as a spot performance in Innersoul's Carnivale concert. I was a cast for the MC gig and I already performed the routine before. However, I was also thinking that they might take me out if I don't attend and they'll have to reblock. It's a hassle and it's unfair. So thus, I trained that day. :) My chest felt normal again haha.

Anyway, now that I have watched it, I want to watch it again just so I can rewind to the romantic parts and get all kilig. hahaha. The movie was a bit fast-paced and there were DEFINITELY some funny parts. I LOVE JASPER FOREVER. HIS FACE XD Jacob's hot only in the book. :| I can't wait to see him in the second movie where his hair would be shorter. He looks taong grasa kasi, sorry haha. Edward has his awkward moments too- like when he stares at Bella and when he saved her in port angeles. XD His eyes are like bulging out XD But hey, he's awesomely awesome in the steamy scenes :D I love Charlie! He's such a cute dad haha. Alice is adorable! She should've had more lines :( Rosalie was portrayed really good :) GAAHH, I'm downloading the soundtrack right now haha. I love this movie- not as disappointing as Eragon.

Nics, I wish I could've watched with you :( It would've been the time of my life. When you get back, let's redo all the things that we should be doing together ok?? :) 

Skechers Street Dance Battle Year 4 CHAMPIONS

I am extremely proud of the compet team!! They've worked SOO hard- 7-9am and 6-9pm onwards trainings everyday! And MILLIONS OF PRAYERS. Wow, all of us, as a team, prayed so hard and we were desperate for God. Kahit di manalo, basta yung gusto lang namin ay makita ang Diyos sa pagsasayaw nila. Makita na nandoon siya kasama nila dahil yun naman lang ang gusto namin. Na magsilbing instrumento ng Diyos upang maipakita sa lahat ang kanyang kapangyarihan at ang kanyang dangal. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit kami nanalo. Hindi kami iyon. It was all His doing. Sabi nga ni coach, kilala niya kami kaya di pwede na sabihin na sila daw yung gumawa nun. It could only be done by God Himself. After 3 years, pinangarap ng Street ang Championships. Parang added bonus lang yung trophy at cash. Pero nakamtan namin yung aming kagustuhan na ma-inspire ang Araneta. Narinig namin iyon nung halos buong Araneta ang nagsigawan ng "LA Salle!" habang sasabihin na yung panalo. Grabe, naramdaman ko ang banal na espiritu!

It was such an awesome experience! Such an inspiration!! I am truly looking forward to the next Skechers where we will be defending champions. However, UP street will be competing then so us newbies will really have to step it up. Coach said that there will be A LOT of stumbling blocks ahead for us and that in those times, we would need the Bible by our side. I should start working on my quiet time. Start pursuing God more. He's the source of all these blessings. :) EXCELLENCE, STREET!

BTW, as we were all sharing our experiences in the big dome last night in our victory party today, something struck me. As Kuya RJ, I think it was him, blessed the future Executive Board [since most of the EB would be graduating this year :(] coach shouted my name. "Ikat! Ikaw na yun!" PRESSURE. Just because I had the spiritual gift of leadership! hahaha. But I'm flattered :) I really am. Moreover, I'm very anxious. It's such a big responsibility! I'd never been good at leading. I'm speaking from experience. :| But if God wants me there, it's for a reason. He wouldn't put me there without equipping me with what I need. Never know, I might be just blind to them right now.

CONGRATULATIONS TO CADS AND T.I.P.! Also to Miriam, Holy Spirit, and CSR!

My 3rd term sched

I encoded my own sched! :D

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
10:30-11:30	COMSK2X	PETWODA (10:20-12:20)	COMSK2X	COMSK2X (9:20-11:10)	COMSK2X
11:40-12:40	BMAT2X		BMAT2X		BMAT2X
2:30-3:30	FILIP13	BMAT2X (1:00-2:00)	FILIP13		FILIP13
3:40-4:40	PHILOMA	WORLITE (2:40-4:10	PHILOMA	WORLITE	PHILOMA
4:20-5:50		RECONSE		RECONSE

The List

19 things for my 19th year HAHA

1. Macbook Pro 15'' [asa ikat. asa. XD]

2. A NEW PHONE [please lord. please lang. my dream phone. hahaha]

3. Nikon DSLR [umasa ka pa. haha]

4. black or red pumps

5. BIG SUPPLY OF TOBLERONE :D

6. starbucks planner 09 [i haven't started collecting stickers haha]

7. nike dunks [nice low ones...colorful but not too colorful. no prints. just analogous colors or monochromatic ones. XD]

8. ankle boots!

9. a surprise. kahit ano basta i'll be GENUINELY surprised. XD

10. a hug

11. something homemade or handmade. that would be really sweet and thoughtful haha

12. a big party with all my friends [but i think di to mangyayari XD busy busy busy. oh wells. haha]

13. grey or black skinny jeans

14. make- up HAHA [blush brush, blush, bronzer, black eyeliner XD , hi mom!]

15. to never turn 20. remain a teenager all my life. [FAIL hahaha]

16. change. globally, nationally, personally

17. DL next term!!!

18. to finally get a hint from you.

19. nica, come home. i don't care if it's just a piece of you haha.

Jess interprets my dream

Okay, so there's this super ironic thing that happened and I can't believe I didn't mention it here. I'm in the same dance company as his friend's- Jess. She's Jazz and I'm Street. Apparently, she knew all about me and my history with him. [Everyone who's batchmates with him would know all about me. He's a heartthrob in San Beda which is no surprise there and I didn't know it was at a THAT extreme level] And apparently, she told Joe about me being in the same team before too while I was also oblivious to the fact that she was also the same girl from San Beda in NCC last year who went up to me to say "Joe says goodluck" out of the blue, MONTHS after he and I drifted apart. O_O I did not recognize her AT ALL although she recognized me. She looks so different now compared to before! Maaan, it's a strange SMALL world. We were properly introduced just a couple of weeks ago and we're on very friendly terms suprisingly. Usually, as it happens in movies and stuff, the friend of the guy who got his heart broken by his [whatever you call a girl like me is to him...a fling? an ex? whatever] totally hates [whatever you call a girl like me is to him... etc.] But no, we're friends and it's totally cool. :) She gave me her blessing on my attempt to BBTF [bring back the flame],well, HIS flame. My flame's been burning since then. It has never stopped. CHEESY but true. XD hahahaha! My gahd, what is that boy doing to me XD She's also the one who told me that before, he used to doodle my name at the back of is notebook and that Dark Blue reminded him of me. Shit, that boy is too cute. hahaha

So anyway, refer to my entry before this for my dream. Her interpretation of my dream is that the stage is like his judgement floor. He's choosing between me and Alex. [He used to like her last summer...and she's my kabarkada. haha. but then again they were friends longer.] According to HER, he'll be choosing me and this time, he'll never let go. 

I can't help but smile at that haha no matter how WILD it seems. XD

As Dashboard sings, "Hope...dangles on a string...like slow spinning redemption winding winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye..."

Me and My Dreams

Weird Dream. AGAIN. On the other hand, I'm glad you were in it :)

Setting: stage [It looked like the TYA...well, I think it WAS the TYA XD]

We were practicing dances...I was probably thinking so much about Remix, the Inter-Lasallian Dance Competition in DLSU tom presented by LSDC, that this dream happened haha. I was onstage with Alex, the last person I had a YM conversation with last night. She had a male partner and so did the rest of the people onstage except for me. I didn't know what we were gonna dance until the music played; Swing. I had no idea whatsoever of the choreo  but as it happens in all dreams, my feet moved by itself as if it had a life of their own.  

In the audience were my friends. I forgot who they were but I know he was there. After the dance, I went down to the seats and hung around. 

Here's the thing: roughly before my dream ended, he was about to leave. The usual greeting was a beso but in the dream it was a hug...several hugs. The last of them being a long one and the one before the last was a I'm-never-letting-you-go kind of hug. I dared to initiate the latter and thinking that the dream was real, hoped to God he didn't find it weird or awkward. And he didn't, because he was the one who prolonged the embrace. And I happily stayed there. Not long after that, when he left, I recieved a text from him saying something along the lines of "Let's do this again" or "Next time". Sadly, my dream ended there. 

What does it meaaaaannn. Ugh. I can't take philosophical dreams right now. I'm so stressed with the Remix thing. :| Which I'll be dancing in btw. XD and the dance is not Swing. It's CAPOEIRA. :)) gaaahh, hahaha. I'll be wearing nothing but a sports bra and jazz pants in front of an audience. O_O

Lomography 2

Lomography

Something Pat showed me how to do :) comment please :D I should really take workshops. For future use haha.

Pitter Patter On The Rooftop

You can listen to the rhythm of the raindrops

I wish the sun would come instead

This is a song for rainy days

And Let's go dance around in the rain

Don't pay any attention to the people staring from inside

We'll leave our cares behind

It felt good seeing your concern for my health. I had fun reminiscing our childhood with Santa and our christmas traditions too. :) 

Bad Luck On Halloween

Yesterday, I got another sprain on the same leg that I got sprained when I tripped on a volleyball. This time, I tripped on my teammate's foot while dancing. 

Today, I got sick. Fever and body pains. I had no energy whatsoever to commute home so I had to have the car pick me up.

Bad luck on Halloween. I had plans with Paula and Loupo tonight but because of these events, I couldn't go. I'm sorry guys. I know you're pissed. Please understand that I am not making this up. If I could go, then I would. But my body's has reached its peak I guess. It's trying to tell me to rest. I'm really sorry.

Thought # 7

Do you ever think, when you're all alone, what we could be, where this thing could go?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?

Are you holding back like the way I do?

Has it ever crossed your mind? When we're hanging, spending time together...?

- Crush, David Archuleta

Dark Blue

I have (I have) you breathing down my neck (breathing down my neck)
I don't (don't know) what you could possibly expect under this condition so
I'll wait (I'll wait) for the ambulance to come (ambulance to come)
Pick us up off the floor
What did you possibly expect under this condition so

Slow down.. this night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning 'til there's nothing but dark blue..
Just dark blue

This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down
And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down

This night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue

We were boxing
We were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing)
You were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the West Coast
And took the power lines (the power lines)
And it was me and you (this could last forever)
And the whole town under water
There was nothing we could do
It was dark blue

Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the room could be burning now there's nothing but dark blue

If you've ever been alone in the dark blue
If you've ever been alone you'll know (you'll know)

It's so funny how this song reminds me of him and it reminds him of me

What's this?

Friday night:

"Ah, I see your point XD so that means if I watch you're gonna watch wit me XD"


"Aw, sayang O.o fine, I'll invite when I get the details :p"


WHAT IS THIS? I really don't know but I know one thing; it fueled the fire. Which could be bad. The weather's unpredictable; it could rain any day.

Date?

Wednesday couldn't have come any sooner.

Tuesday was a blur. I felt like I was on auto-pilot and I was crouched in the deep recesses of my cockpit, being all embarrassingly giddy and excited while my body mechanically executes the usual-daily-routine-that-is-school. When have I ever felt like this? I'm sure as hell that I don't want to be one of them teenagers whose over-giddiness leads them to think that they're invincible just because they found their 'true love'. Of course, my cynicism will never leave me. It's a defense mechanism. My Paternal Parental Unit is very effective in displaying common place affections. :T I should know. But the IRONY of it all! I HOPE. I HOPE LIKE I'VE NEVER HOPED BEFORE. It's sickening! I disgust myself! I know it'll lead to nothing. For who could commit the same mistake? I'm a mess and no one would have me. [JESUS CHRIST. Now I'm PITYING myself! How low can I get??] But let's get one thing straight: true love? I am definitely on grey area when it comes to that.

Sigh.

It was lunch break and I left the SDA to accompany my blockmates to eat in some new eating place along the street.To cut the unnecessaries, Artu's gig was about to start and he was there in the 'fancy caf', as he calls it, waiting for our mutual friend to go on. I couldn't contain that disgusting giddy smile from creeping up. I couldn't help it. I was a human subject to emotional kinetics. [if there is such a term] Thus, I proceeded and left a mere ''I'm going to see my friend in the caf" for my blockmates to gnaw on. If I had told them who came, they probably would've have come along and not eaten. So I let them have their much needed nourishment. I care kasi. :P


As I walked along the hallway leading to the 'HSM' caf, questions were coming at me from an unknown insignificant place. How will you see him through the crowd? You might look dumb just standing there and looking around... What will you say?? Will he mind me at all or will his South friends entertain him and I'll be OP? Should I stay for just awhile or wait till my next class starts? What is he thinking??? By the time that last question popped up, I had found him amidst the people and greeted him with a beso. XD Soon after, we were comparing the facilites of our respected schools and battling against which one is cooler. My unease disappeared from his laidback attitude. It was a normal conversation; no awkwardness; we even had a few laughs. :)

Until Server brought up her 18th birthday party. She said that she wanted everyone to bring dates. I knew where this was headed. I heard it from Rav that morning but I didn't believe it.


"Ikat, you're taking Josue"


I couldn't bring myself to look at his reaction! My face was contorted with numerous expressions that tried to break the surface, trying to show a mask and the other flesh. I don't know if he noticed. I was too busy straightening my facade. :)) hahaha. I swear, with him around, it's like I'm more of an introvert than I have ever been in my whole life XD After what seemed like 5 minutes, the atmosphere relaxed...well, at least for me. I don't know if they sensed my tension. haha



As they say, all good things must end right? I had to tear myself away from him to attend class. Duh, I'm still responsible. However, it surprised me that he still wanted to be with me [or at least that's what I'm telling myself? hahaha] He wanted to see the classrooms. Too bad God had more things in store for me because he only reached till the 11th floor. haha. The elevator was fully loaded. He texted me after saying that I'll show him the classrooms next time. So there will be a next time? :) Sorry, can't help but smile! [Jesus, I'm such a wimp :T haha]



That's not all that made me smile, we had another conversation through sms about the 'dates' thing that Server mentioned. I said I was ok with the idea of him being my date. And he said, "Same here :)" whooooooooo! Our conversation didn't end there! We had a YM conversation that night too!



I shouldn't have this much hope in me. I'm so convinced that this won't end how I want it to end. It never ends the right way. Not with me hahahaha

Heels Over Head

Now I'm heels over head, I'm hanging upside down- Boys Like Girls

God always sends me a saving grace to pull me out of my pit of depression and frustration. And in the back of my head, I had a gut feeling of it's arrival. It was nagging me, reminding every time my head was not filled with math problems, economic data, and cultural concepts. It was like a thought bubble suddenly inflated by some mysterious breath and expanded until it filled every nook and cranny of my consciousness. It was a good feeling. Sort of like Anticipation. Anticipation for something great.

It came that Monday afternoon. After a weekend of frustration, a deprived night of sleep, and an emotional morning, my saving grace manifested itself. As I trudged to training in La Salle Main, I saw a familiar face. Somehow, I knew it before I said the words out loud.

He was visiting his friends in Taft. I felt a pang. He said he'd tell me when he'll be visiting. I voiced my feelings in a comic way so as not to reveal any more than I should. To my relief, he was planning on a second visit. On Wednesday, he would be watching his friend's gig in SDA, my building. Whilst I was having a conversation with him physically, I was having my own conversation inside my head. He's visiting again! He'll be in my building! Adrenaline surged through my veins. It was like being replenished after a hard day's work- something I really needed. I felt like the day that had passed had been dull- black and white

...until that moment.

It seemed like, in a crowd, my eyes were searching for you. And once I did, vivid colors flood my sight, rendering everything as bright and as beautiful and worth living for as compared to the past.

Never Again

I will NEVER EVER team up with you again! You can't be relied on, you can't be trusted to do your part, and you don't have ANY common sense!! You just might be one of the most dense people I've EVER met yet!!

I'm sorry but I'm definitely not the person who has the patience to be spending time with a person who has a mind of sloth. :|