Dear You

Welcome to my head. What I write here is a product of instances, consequences, coincidences, and heartache. Here before you is my soul- my inner trappings. Yours truly, Her.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Sleeping To Dream

I believe in dreams and their prophetic abilities. Although not ALL of my dreams have come true,I've had a number of dreams that have sort of come true. [Except for the spawn of evil thing. Thank God. ahahaha! ] I mean, they had similarities with what had happened in reality. I'm sure Nica can relate to this haha. We both love to sleep just to dream. It's a wonderful way to escape things you can't control. It's also a discreet way of the Unconscious to converse with you. They say you dream of things you want- 'your inner desires'. Or that if you keep thinking about something, wether it's traumatizing or not, when you're awake, it'll appear in your dreams. Well, I believe that too. I dreamt of something I really wanted to happen and that I've been thinking about since SUMMER. I wouldn't admit it to myself in reality but in that dream state, no one was there to judge you or criticize you so I embraced the fact that I really did want that to happen. Maybe it's coz he was the very first person who truly cared? He made me feel that way. And I made a stupid mistake of struggling against the good fisherman...so he let me go. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. My first regret EVER. We haven't talked in a year but a few weeks back, we did. Online. He was different. Or maybe it was my guilt taunting me. I can't call him the way I used to anymore. Maybe there were too many memories attached?

Gosh, why can't I let this go? I'll just be disappointed. And besides, it's the past, right? I made the mistake so I should suffer the consequences.


I love that dream. Brings me back to the time when someone really cared. I was so blind to it. Me and my knack for running.


I'm seeing him in a few days.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sembreak

IT FEELS SO GOOD TO GET A WEEK OFF OF SCHOOL. This week was just a jumble of tasks. I had that stupid cellphone plus the packaging that I worried about. I ended up COMPLETELY NOT STUDYING FOR THE BIBSTUD FINAL EXAM. But then I thought to myself when I was running around the house getting ready to leave [imagine, I can still think with all that's happening hahaha] God, won't do this to you for nothing. He will make a way. Don't fret.

So I figured I'd just do what I could-I reviewed on the train to school and before the test.

I've never done that before.
I thought I'd miss my stop if I concentrated too much XD
The reviewing helped a bit. A bit is an overstatement really. I had no clue what the test was about. It brought me back to the shotgun days of entrance exams ahaha.

BUT I WILL NOT DWELL IN THE PAST. I'm too excited for the future haha. It just sucks that Nica's not here. :( I miss that girl tremendously. I don't know what's keeping me going pa. haha. NICAAA, my gosh. It's really different here without you. In my perspective anyway. Haaay.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Smug Faces and Hidden Agendas

*smug face*

Hello there. Can't wait to catch up. haha. I wonder...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Of Cutters and Soap Bits


Behold. Another mishap. A cut on my finger. It doesn't look deep in the pic but in reality, almost the whole corner of my skin came off. Good thing I pinched the skin together. God. The blood was a sight. There were like fat blobs on the sink and all. Funny how the first thing that came to my head was: I wonder why the sight of blood makes people faint...like Bella Swan. She's weird. Hahaha. OH WELL. Not only did I accidentally cut myself from doing my Natsca cellphone model project, but I became blind for a few minutes. The cause of my momentary blindeness were the soap bits that got flicked into my eye from carving the damn cellphone out of bareta. Jesus. What else can go wrong?


Alas, it is done. Cast your eyes upon this:


It is an ergonomic phone. The fitting choice. Fits your lifestyle. Fits you.
THE FINISHED PRODUCT NA PINAGHIRAPAN KO WITH MY SWEAT AND BLOOD. LITERALLY. Although, it's still missing the keypads and all, I think it deserves a 3. hahaha. PLEASE COMMENT :)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Pure Imagination

Wanna change the world? There's nothing to it.

I want to paint. I want to start a novel. I want to make graphic art.

Ode To Jane

Disregard the grammar please! I stayed up till 2 to finish it haha. This is my General Psychology autobiography project. I figured I'd share a part of my life that was very important and...life-changing haha. This is dedicated to my Bestfriend.
video

Sunday, August 24, 2008

All things Yellow

When I think about the color yellow, I think about summer. The yellow sun, the pristine waters of the sea, the soft sand between my toes, the fresh breeze, the blue skies....I think about the carefree days where even Time itself was on vacation.

I'm taking a break from the series of 'emo' entries. I figured that when I look back at them, I'd be so depressed. I don't want to be so I made a happy entry. Although it's raining right now, my head is still in Bora. It's still in Punta Fuego, in Calatagan, in Greenfields...haha

I have 3 finals on Tuesday and I should be studying. I know I'll do good. It's all about proactive thinking. Apply The Secret haha. And so, I shall stay true to my word and hit the books.

Reminds me, one day, I'd want my own private library. I was browsing through this huge architecture book in the library in CSB and I saw my dream library...like the one Belle has in Beauty and the Beast XD hahahaha


Just sharing :)

Friday, August 22, 2008

[insert]

"Just coz he sweeps you off your feet, doesn't mean that you can't stand on your own"
"Hate him. Love Him. Whatever. You know what you want. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"Always remember that Jess only makes happy endings; if it's not happy, then it's not the end. If you're in a struggle, take courage for it is not yet done. Trust and wait, strengthen your faith and pray..."

[Stop It] Here we go

[Stop It. You're deluding yourself. You're making traps for yourself. Stop assuming and hoping coz you're not going to go anywhere and you're never going to get what you want. Stop thinking. Stop making excuses for him. FOCUS.]


I failed my very first exam today...and it just had to be one of my finals. :| God. I could have studied for it if only a certain someone clarified with the professor first if the due date that he knows of is correct or not. Sheesh. Most of the class got affected tuloy. Haaay, lesson learned: If in doubt, ask the professor.


I got my new sched for second term last Wednesday. Screw MWF. Love Love my Tuesdays and Thursdays.



* I have Algebra almost everyday...I wonder how that'll turn out
* still have 7am pe...:|
*10 min breaks...wow

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

What Would You Think Of Me Now?

Today was just a bummer. I don't know. I think I was quiet today...like I didn't talk much with my blockmates either. Most of the time I stared...at the teacher, at the wall, at the door, at the floor... anything to keep my head wandering. My head's the only place I could escape to.

So busy. So many things to do. So many deadlines. And yet I still find myself thinking of things I wish I shouldn't be thinking about...but I still do. And it's annoying because I thought I wouldn't be so deep into it-entertaining it. I thought I could manifest my words and push that thought back into the deepest corner of my mind and focus on other things- like friends and other commitments.

I'm a hypocrite.


Or maybe, it's a situation I want to happen... a set situation for me...coz it's something I can handle. Something I can deal with because anything else would leave me unable to fix it. But life is unfair.


Why do you always pop up? Just when I started to let go, you appear. But that's what you always do. When things about be final, you come around to shake my decision. What the hell do you want. I'm not paranoid anymore. I'm just damn confused.


I heard that there are other things that make me happy and that I should focus on them. I hate how I'm becoming exactly like those people I dislike. Those who hang onto one thing like it's their life. Life is a broad thing. Life is in everything. So why do I still entertain those damn thoughts?? These are the kinds of things that people I dislike are doing...that I'm ending up doing myself! Ugh.

What are you doing to me.
You're shaking the very foundations I built myself upon to keep myself away from people like you.
People who make me.. make myself vulnerable by choice....

There's a term that can describe what I'm feeling that I'm not willing to accept. Because if I do, I'll become one of those people whose lives are so predictable. Why would I want to go through what they're going through? It's so typical. It's so predictable.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Thought # 4

I'm afraid of drowning. That's one way I don't want to die.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Superficial Git

WTF is up your ass dude. Goddamit, I fucking apologized. I felt terrible for stepping on your shoes. You told me to not mention it again and that we were ok. BUT WTF, YOU WERE SO RUDE. YOU BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN YOURSELF. I know your shoes are like your most prized whatevers and that it's a ''sin'' for people to step on it. GOD. SHOES ARE MEANT TO BE STEPPED ON. AND THEY CAN BE CLEANED. IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'LL BE TAINTED OR THERE'S A PERMANENT SIGN SAYING "I WAS STEPPED ON. BOOHOO." Geez, they're just shoes. Are they more important than your friends? Puhlease. What kind of a person are you.

The Last Something That Meant Anything

"Well I thought that we could sit around and, talk for hours
about things I couldn't say to you
and things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
when the words take days you can re-write and erase anything"-Mayday Parade

I'll be ok. I was better off before you. It's not working out. I'm tired of being the one to chase you. You told me you'd tell me if things were off. Why didn't you? Did you think you could just act it? Someone once told me that it was better to hear things rather than guess them. I'm not giving you the time to guess. I'm saying it out loud. I'm over you. You hoped things would change. Well, it did. But not the way you wanted it to be...then, but I guess it's what you want now. Let's end this game.

I don't like being treated like a fool. I deserve better. You deserve what you deserve. Go for what you want. It's not me anymore anyway. You got lazy. Hope you're happy. I am.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Thought # 3

Nica, you know why Americans or Europeans are so large/big-boned/big? [note that I am not using the term obese] I mean, compared to us LITTLE people of the Philippines? There are biological and maybe even geographical factors at work here but here's what I think...

Well, our country for one, is a developing nation. The US and Europe are First World nations. They're RICH. They can feed their entire nation!...plus another! While we suffer amidst the graft and corruption that plagues society, we also suffer poverty. Plus, the rise of food prices is adding insult to injury! We do not have as much money as the developed nations to feed ourselves.

Thus our small and thin frame.

Thus, their tall and big frame.


I came across this idea when I was doing my paper on eating disorders. hahaha. I remembered it when I read your entry about your Safeway adventures haha.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Happy Things

1. VIP FRONT ROW TIX TO CHRIS BROWN
2. a new cellphone [please lang. haha]
3. 80g ipod video
4. macbook


Please Lord. Please. At least let my mom agree with our deal that if I get into the Dean's List, she'd buy me a new phone. PLEASE.

Thought # 2

It's never easy to pretend to be okay when you're not. Don't call it emo. Emo is just an excuse. It's not a genuine feeling anymore. Other nonsensical things are strapped to it. It's become a fashion, an ''in'' thing.
It's annoying how people mistake something real and true for a fad. Something you play around with. I AM NOT EMO RIGHT NOW.

I am ranting at how people say I'm so emo. I'm not. I'm just nostalgic. See, that's something deep. And yet people still say it's so emo. Weird. I think they have to take Language all over again and focus on synonyms and antonyms.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Thought # 1

One Team. One Family. One God.

There's a difference from before. Hardcourt was on another level. LSDC is on another. Kind of like one is in my past, and the other, my present and yet they are both of equal importance, both having/had a powerful influence in my life. Either way, they both exposed me to the supreme and incredible power of prayer and of God, himself. They both drilled me to be better disciplined, to have a direction, and to work hard and persevere.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Miserable At Best in every way

-Mayday Parade-


Katie don't cry
I know you're trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we've shared
Ocala is calling and you know it's haunting
But compared to your eyes nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky
It's not mine
but I want it so

*Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight
I know he's there and
You're probably hanging out and making eyes
While across the room he stares
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance
She'll say yes
Because these wrods were never easier for me to say and her to second guess
But I guess that I can live without you but
Without you I'll be miserable at best

You're all I ever hoped to find
In every single way
And everything i would give is everything you couldn't take
Coz nothing feels like home
You're a thousand miles away
and the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay
coz i know i'm good for something i just haven't found it yet
but i need it*

This'll be the first time in a week that I'll talk to you and and I can't speak
Spent three whole days since I've had sleep
Coz i dream of his lips on your cheek
and I got to the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss those lips that made me fly*



This song summarizes what I'm feeling today. There's a message in this song that I'd want to say but it's not as obvious. Although this song is about heartbreak and shit. I'm not feeling that way. For you to get me, don't mind the other lyrics and focus on the red lyrics.


Life is Shit at the moment.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Countdown to Breaking Dawn

2 more days...and I still haven't reserved my copy haha.

MY FELLOW WEREWOLVES-kate and nica; ASSEMBLE! hahahaha

Yours Truly

Yours Truly
Her