What Would You Think Of Me Now?

Today was just a bummer. I don't know. I think I was quiet today...like I didn't talk much with my blockmates either. Most of the time I stared...at the teacher, at the wall, at the door, at the floor... anything to keep my head wandering. My head's the only place I could escape to.

So busy. So many things to do. So many deadlines. And yet I still find myself thinking of things I wish I shouldn't be thinking about...but I still do. And it's annoying because I thought I wouldn't be so deep into it-entertaining it. I thought I could manifest my words and push that thought back into the deepest corner of my mind and focus on other things- like friends and other commitments.

I'm a hypocrite.


Or maybe, it's a situation I want to happen... a set situation for me...coz it's something I can handle. Something I can deal with because anything else would leave me unable to fix it. But life is unfair.


Why do you always pop up? Just when I started to let go, you appear. But that's what you always do. When things about be final, you come around to shake my decision. What the hell do you want. I'm not paranoid anymore. I'm just damn confused.


I heard that there are other things that make me happy and that I should focus on them. I hate how I'm becoming exactly like those people I dislike. Those who hang onto one thing like it's their life. Life is a broad thing. Life is in everything. So why do I still entertain those damn thoughts?? These are the kinds of things that people I dislike are doing...that I'm ending up doing myself! Ugh.

What are you doing to me.
You're shaking the very foundations I built myself upon to keep myself away from people like you.
People who make me.. make myself vulnerable by choice....

There's a term that can describe what I'm feeling that I'm not willing to accept. Because if I do, I'll become one of those people whose lives are so predictable. Why would I want to go through what they're going through? It's so typical. It's so predictable.